"I Hate the Jaguars..."
An open letter to Jacksonville Jaguars fans from a fan of the Indianapolis Colts. (Thanks to Mr. Sean Hassan for sharing this gem)
I hate the Jaguars.
I suppose, if you’re a Jacksonville fan, you should take pride in that. I hate the Jaguars more than any other team in the NFL. Yes, I hate the Jaguars more than the Patriots. Yes, I hate the Jaguars more than the Chargers. Yes, I hate the Jaguars more than the Steelers or Ravens or Jets or Texans.
I hate the Jaguars because they could field a team of Aaron Moorehead clones and still keep it to a three-point game. I hate the Jaguars because the Colts could literally construct a concrete wall spanning the sidelines and Maurice Jones-Drew would still find a way to rack up 150 yards. I hate the Jaguars because Vic Ketchman represents the Jaguars, and no other NFL team that I’m aware of hires its own in-house pom-pom wearing Waldorf (or Statler, I suppose) to represent the organization. I hate the Jaguars because they parade “375” like a Super Bowl, the year the Colts incidentally won the Super Bowl, and continue to hold on to that game like it will be enshrined in Canton some day. I hate the Jaguars because they subjected me to 375, which was the most brutal Colts game I’ve ever had to endure this side of 41-0.
I hate the Jaguars because of Mike Peterson. I hate Mike Peterson. I hate the Jaguars because of Josh Scobee. Man, do I hate Josh Scobee. I hate the Jaguars because of wigglesticks and Team Teal. I hate the Jaguars because Jack Del Rio is their head coach. I loathe Jack Del Rio.
But mostly, I hate the Jaguars because, regardless of their actual, collective level of talent, they are always a good team against the Colts. Always. They always run all over the Colts, whether Corey Simon or Keyunta Dawson is manning the middle. They always execute the world’s simplest, least gimmicky gameplan that the Colts can never defend. Their TEs always terrorize the Colts. Maurice Jones-Drew has a beach house inside Bill Polian’s head. David Garrard shows up to play regardless of who he is throwing to.
For all the reasons I hate the Jaguars, I hate them most of all for doing their part in keeping alive a bitter rivalry. Why can’t they just fold like the Titans? Why can’t they draw up some monumentally-stupid offensive gameplan like the Texans? Why, for the sake of all things holy, are they in first place in the AFC South in December?
Because they’re the Jaguars. And I hate the Jaguars. But probably not as much as they hate the Colts.
- Collin McCollough
Hate-Fest 2010: Part II - “Closure” is only 2 more days away…
